Title: I Can't Let You Disappear
Author: Me (glittergron)
Type: Genderswap, femslash.
Summary: Blair hadn’t said she loved Sam in years. Every time she tried to, it sounded far too intense and transparent. Yes, she loved her. Painfully so, to the point of obsession.
Chapters: 1 | 2 |
Blair struggled to find an easy middle ground for her and Sam, somewhere they could still be friends and do all the things they used to without her newfound feelings getting in the way. Distancing herself from Sam had only served to be painful and ended up making the situation worse.
She’d resolutely decided that not being Sam’s friend was a worse fate than not being her lover. It was at that point that she gave in trying to fight those urges and just let them stir below the surface, unable to do anything about them and too scared to try.
Sam never stopped saying it, always platonic and sweet and comforting, but Blair hadn’t said she loved Sam in years. Every time she tried to, it sounded far too intense and transparent. Yes, she loved her. Painfully so, to the point of obsession, but saying it aloud would just let everyone know.
Blair’s parents didn’t notice; her dad worked full-time as a pediatrician and after the divorce her mother had moved to Detroit to be closer to her family. They talked on the phone at least once a week, but Blair always acted as though things were fine. Couldn’t be better, actually.
There was no one else to take note of her behavior, of the way her grades fell from A’s, to B minuses and C’s. The one person who saw it was Sam, and she was still waiting for that moment when Blair would be ready to raise the topic herself. To sit her down and tell her why she constantly walked around like her mind was somewhere else. Sam would’ve waited forever if she had to, but in the end she only had to wait for the Sadie Hawkins’ dance posters go up.
Sam didn’t ask anyone to go. There wasn’t any boy who she go along with well enough; despite the hints and clues Jason Brice dropped, Sam knew disliked him and the weird band t-shirts he wore, so going with him was not an option.
Similarly, Blair had no interest in the boys at school. When the girls asked who she was going with, she’d shrug her shoulders then instantly check out of the conversation. Bored. Or conflicted, which was what Sam always saw in her friend’s face.
“We should go alone,” Blair said, a week before the dance, as her and Sam sat together in the Evan’s living room, having just put the twins, Stacey and Stevie, to bed. Sam’s parents were out on their ritual date night, leaving the girls to babysit.
“No,” Sam replied with a laugh. “We should go together.”
Blair whipped her head around fast and gave Sam a cautious look. “Together?” she repeated with a quiet scoff.
“Yeah.” Sam grinned and slipped off the couch to kneel on one knee in front of Blair. She picked up her friend’s hand in her own and beamed at her. “Blair Anderson, will you go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me?”
It took Blair a total of forty-one seconds to react. Her jaw had gone slack and her lips were parted slightly as she stared at Sam. It caught her so off guard that for once her thoughts went silent long enough for a quiet voice to be heard over the usual tumult.
“Okay…” Blair said, chuckling nervously. “Yeah, sure.”
“Awesome,” Sam exclaimed, squeezing Blair’s hand and pressing a friendly kiss to her knuckles, sitting back beside her before she caught the flutter of Blair’s eyelids and the tense jolt that raced through her.
“Sam,” Blair whined softly, swallowing down her heart. “How is that going to work? Going to the dance together?”
“You’ll be my date,” Sam answered like it was obvious. “I don’t want to go with anybody else, Blair.”
“Girls can’t go with girls,” Blair said under her breath.
Sam arched an eyebrow, confused, not ready to let go of the subject and give Blair the kind of space she’d already been afforded. She just wanted to hear it, finally. “Why not?” she said stubbornly. “You’re my best friend, and I love you. I don’t see that it’s such a big deal.”
“Stop saying that!” Blair snapped, shaking her head, fixing her friend with an aggrieved look. It had slipped out again, and she was so sick of her insides turning to water every single time. “Stop saying that you love me.”
“But I do,” Sam said, ignoring the bitterness in Blair’s voice and the way she sounded victimized by her affection. “I love you, Blair. And I don’t care what anyone thinks about it. I don’t even care what you think about it, because I just do.”
An anxious laugh left Blair’s lips. “Sammy, you’d be surprised by what I think about it,” she said. “It’s not fair that you can say it and it won’t mean what I want it to.”
“What?” Sam frowned. “What do you want it to mean, then?”
Blair swallowed and took in a shaky breath, lifting her heavy hand up from her lap and setting it on Sam’s knee. She leaned forwards, expecting Sam to scream in her face or lean away from her in shock, but Blair’s momentum was sending her in faster than she could think.
Her hand tightened on Sam’s knee when their lips met. It was devastatingly soft. Better than Blair’s imagination could conjure up. It was her first kiss. What if it was Sam’s, too? It was meant to be wrong but the only thing she could feel was an alignment that made more sense than anything else she’d ever known.
She hardly moved her mouth against Sam’s, breathing in and out through her nose, surprisingly calm. It was easy now that she was in this moment. It was like she’d found a perfect space of time, which barely lasted for seconds but felt like hours, where the only sound was her own heartbeat loud in her ears. Or maybe it was Sam’s heartbeat. Maybe they’d become one person.
It was with a rush that it all came swooping back. Her mind latched onto reality and shoved it right in her face. She reeled back and away from Sam, before the blonde could do it first. Blair was on her feet and was apologizing profusely.
“Oh my god,” she said, over and over again. “Sam, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry. That was so stupid, I don’t know why I did that.”
“Blair!” Sam said loudly, her voice shattering the panic engulfing Blair. She slapped her hand down on the couch cushion where Blair had just been sitting and shook her head. “Sit. Down.”
She hadn’t moved at all, but Blair was frantically tugging at her dark curls and her face had gone white. It was fear Sam was seeing, and a desperation in Blair’s eyes. She swallowed and patted the couch again, gentler this time.
“Blair, please,” she said. The brunette hesitated, but eventually she sat back down. Further away from Sam than she’d been before, on the opposite end of the couch with a vast amount of empty space between them. “You kissed me.”
Blair winced at Sam’s stark observation and attempted to seek out any disgust in her friend’s voice. All she heard was surprise. “I’m sorry,” Blair breathlessly said.
For a few long moments they said nothing to each other. Sam stared at Blair while the dark-haired girl gazed intently at the wall. The sound of voices from the hallway interrupted the silence. Blair jumped up again and Sam got to her feet, stretching her hand out to grab Blair’s arm but she’d already moved forwards and unknowingly out of Sam’s reach.
“Your parents are home,” Blair said, looking at Sam only long enough to send her a slightly pleading look. Sam just scrunched her face up and moved to open the living room door; mother was standing on the other side and about to twist the doorknob.
“Oh! Sweetie,” Mrs. Evans chirped, putting her hand on Sam’s shoulder and pecking her on the cheek. “Thanks for looking after your brother and sister tonight.”
Mr. Evans was hanging up his wife’s coat by the door and he chuckled, grinning at his daughter. “You and Blair do anything fun?” he asked. Sam heard Blair’s nervous squeak from across the room and looked over to see that her friend had busied herself collecting the leftover pizza they’d ordered. Stacey had chewed off all the toppings and left just the bread behind, which was the exact same thing Sam used to do.
“Just watched movies with the kids,” Sam answered, smiling weakly as her dad came walking past her into the living room. Her mom had already tiptoed off to check on the twins, and Blair escaped the room while Sam was distracted.
Without another word to her dad, Sam rushed after Blair and found her in the bedroom shoving her feet into her shoes and grabbing her bag off the bed.
“What are you doing?” Sam exclaimed, almost angry.
“I’ll walk home,” Blair said without looking up. “I can’t stay, Sam.”
“Like hell you will!” Sam grabbed Blair’s bag and pulled it from her grip, clutching it hard against her chest. “Blair, we need to talk about this.”
“No!” Blair yelled, stomping her foot like a child. She might’ve been shy and soft but she could throw a tantrum when she wanted to. Except right now she wasn’t trying to get her way; right now she had tears in her eyes and she looked so damn terrified.
Sam immediately dropped the bag on the floor and reeled Blair in for a hug. Blair fought the embrace for several moments, but Sam was taller and stronger and had her arms tight around Blair’s shoulders, one hand against the back of her friend’s head.
Finally Blair went limp, her face pressed all of a sudden against Sam’s warm neck. “Sam,” she said, so quietly it was more like a sigh or an exhalation. Sam didn’t know if her friend had really said her name, but she kept fiercely holding onto her. She had no idea what else to do. This was new for them both, completely uncharted territory. Blair had been gently poking her toe over the line, skittish and unsure. But something had changed after that kiss, without them needing to say it.
Sam thought it might’ve been due to the tingling still in her lips.
lower now and lower still
- Glee Fic: I Can't Let You Disappear 2/??